Don't Want None Unless You've Got Buns Hon
by mercy-angel-09
Summary: A crackfic in which butts come up. Also this is a crackfic that is written largely in character...but the premise is so utterly ridiculous it can only qualify as a crackfic. HASHTAG BUTTS.


This was prompted by an ask meme on Tumblr, where my dear, lovely friend/enabler Yuugao818 submitted the made up fic title of "don't want none unless you've got buns hon" and then I got to tell her what I would write about.

 ** _Gen ATLA where Katara, Suki, and Toph discuss butts. Specifically Zuko's butt. Zuko is mortified because they happen to have this discussion in front of him. Sokka becomes insecure about his butt. Aang doesn't get what all the fuss about butts is._**

 ** _BUTTS._**

I should have left it alone but noooooooooo I got this lovely little plot bunny that I couldn't ignore.

I should have been working on NaNo damn it!

Anyway, to truly set the mood for this fic, please listen to "Booty Man" by Tim Wilson before reading. Or after. Or during. Whatever.

BUTTS, Y'ALL.

* * *

It was the muffled giggling that ends up catching Toph's attention. She'd been spending time working on her sandbending down on the beach, but she's grown hot and hungry so she seeks food and shade in the house. It's as she heads towards her room that she can hear small peals of laughter but heck if she knows why, so she heads in the direction of the sound.

She assumes it's Katara and Suki but she can't quite tell – damn the wooden floors. They're whispering and giggling about something, and Toph would really like to know what the joke is.

"Okay, what's so funny?" she asks, a satisfied smirk crossing her face at the startled yelps from the other girls.

"Oh, nothing," Suki says.

"Just admiring the view," Katara tacks on.

The view? What fuzzy images Toph can make out is that they're near one of the windows that looks out over the courtyard where Zuko and Aang are practicing their firebending.

Oh.

That view.

"I don't get what all the fuss is about," Toph huffs because really, it's not that impressive. She's assessed both of their musculature and they're decent but not truly impressive.

Katara sighs. "No I suppose you wouldn't."

"Yeah, I guess you see can't way that fabric stretches," Suki says a little wistfully. "I mean Sokka's is good and all, but Zuko's is a work of art."

"Ew, I don't want to think about Sokka like that!" Katara squeals with a shudder.

Suki shrugs.

"Wait, what are you two talking about?" Toph asks in exasperation.

"Their butts!" Katara answers in exasperation.

Toph's thrown for a moment because never in her short life and even shorter time of knowing the Sugar Queen has she _ever_ imagined Katara talking about someone's butt. "Whoa, wait a second, are you telling me you and Suki are standing here admiring Zuko's butt?"

"It's a very nice butt," Suki says so matter of factly that Toph isn't sure if she should be scandalized by the revelation that Zuko has a nice butt or that they're just casually checking out Zuko's supposedly nice butt.

"Fine," Toph says, her hunger forgotten in this strange turn of events. "Tell me about the butt."

"Nicely rounded, for one," Katara says.

"Looks nice a firm. Not that either of us have been able to get a hand on it, though," Suki continues.

"Not too big, but not completely non-existent either," Katara adds.

Now Toph's head is spinning because she absolutely never tried to imagine what Zuko's butt looked like – not that she really has any idea what Zuko even looks like because he won't let her touch his face – but from what she can gather from Katara and Suki's observations is that Zuko does have a nice butt.

But it can't be a work of art.

"Do you think you could bounce a coin off of it?" Toph asks, tilting her head to the side as she imagines metalbending a coin into Zuko's butt to see what it would do.

"Probably," Katara says at the same Suki answers, "Absolutely."

Huh.

"Okay, Suki, how does it compare to Sokka's?" Toph asks and she holds back a grin at the small gagging noise Katara makes in response.

Suki chews on her lower lip. "Well Zuko's generally better muscled over all, so I'd say his is probably tighter than Sokka's, but they're probably about the same size wise."

"Ack, never wanted that mental image ever, ew, ew, ew!"

"And to Aang?" Dead silence. "Hey, we're making comparisons, right? How's Aang?"

"He's still a kid and it shows," Katara says flatly. "He doesn't have nearly the muscle tone of Zuko, and he's just smaller in general."

"Mmhmm," Suki hums in agreement.

The girls fall silent, the contemplation of butts running through their minds. Toph tries to imagine what their butts look like, but unless she can get her hands on the butts she can't be positive. She knows what her own butt is like, it being attached to her and all, and once she accidentally groped Katara when group was taking a reprieve from the Fire Nation heat in a swimming hole and she'd accidentally gone too far from shore. Toph has a good, general idea of what a butt should look and feel like.

She just has no idea what a specific firebender's butt looks like.

"I'm gonna go cop a feel," Toph announces, eliciting started squeaks from Katara and Suki.

"Cop a feel on who?" the owner of the nice butt rasps behind her.

Oh. Firebending practice must be done for the day.

Toph, guileless smile fixed in place, turns to him. She thinks. The wood makes her vision very blurry and she hopes she's facing in the right direction. "You."

"Why?" He doesn't sound mad. More curious and just a little wary.

"Well Katara and Suki say you have a nice butt. Since I can't see-" she emphasizes the point by waving her hand in front of her face, "-I thought by getting my hands on it I could get a feel for it."

Aang snorts. "Get a feel for it, ha!"

Zuko is certain that his face is on fire. It certainly feels like it's on fire. Calmly he turns to address Suki and Katara who look like they're either going to collapse of mortification or from suppressing their laughter. He's not entirely sure which. "Why are you two checking out my butt?"

"Well, there's not a whole lot to do around here," Suki starts with a helpless shrug.

"And when you're in the courtyard doing your firebender thing you're just sorta…on display…" Katara continues with a weak smile.

Zuko crosses his arms over his bare chest and he really, desperately tries to ignore the way Katara's breath hitches as she watches his muscles flex and move. "Uh-huh."

"And then Toph asked about Sokka…"

"Wait, you're comparing my butt to Sokka's?" Zuko asks.

Sokka walks into the hallway at that moment, looking at the gathering. "Uh, hey, we having lunch anytime soon? I'm starving." He looks around and notes that Toph is smirking in delight, Katara, Suki, and Zuko look hopelessly embarrassed, and Aang looks confused. "What's going on?"

Zuko sighs, a small curl of steam escaping his nose. "It's nothing."

"We're talking butts!" Toph says cheerfully. In for a copper, in for a gold piece.

Sokka snorts. "It's no contest," he says waving his hand dismissively. "Mine's the best."

"That's not what Suki says," Toph sing songs.

"I'm going to kill you," Suki mutters softly behind Toph, but at the moment Toph can't bring herself to care about the other warrior's threat. She's having too much fun.

Sokka's entire demeanor deflates. "Wait, how is my butt not the best?"

"Apparently general consensus is that Zuko has the best butt," Toph says. "I can't say for sure until I get my hands on it, though."

Sokka turns to Zuko in indignation. "For Spirits' sake let her touch your butt!" he screeches.

Oh, this is getting good.

"I'm not letting Toph touch my butt just to soothe your bruised ego!" Zuko nearly shouts.

Sokka turns around. "All right, Toph, grab a handful."

"Don't bruise the goods," Suki warns as Toph flexes her fingers.

Toph reaches out and connects with what she soon figures out to be his lower back. Sokka suppresses a giggle as her light touch tickles him, then clears his throat. "Tell me what you think and be honest. I've been working on toning it but I don't know if it's actually doing any good."

"Augh!" Katara cries as she digs the heels of her palms into her eyes.

Fingers lightly rove the curvature of Sokka's butt to give her an idea of its shape. Then she uses her palms to assess its mass, finally giving each cheek a light squeeze. Not bad, as far as butts go. "Hey, clench up, I wanna check this muscle tone you're trying to brag about."

"No problem," Sokka says, as if it's perfectly normal to let a blind twelve-year-old grope his butt to assess its quality.

"Passable," Toph declares as she pulls her hands away.

"What do you mean passible?" Sokka asks in horror. "I've been working on my butt. Suki, tell them I've been working on my butt!"

"I think they know," she says, fighting back a grin.

Aang looks around the group in confusion and then shrugs. "Hey, what about me?"

Toph turns towards his voice. "I guess if you want to know, Twinkletoes. Turn around."

Aang's butt is exactly what Toph expects from a fellow twelve-year-old. "It's alright, but you're still a kid. You'll grow into it, I'm sure."

This is neither good nor bad news. Aang shrugs. "Okay."

Everyone turns to Zuko.

"No," he says with a scowl. "Absolutely not."

"Just let her touch it and then we can go get lunch," Sokka says with an impatient huff.

With lunch hanging on Toph grabbing his butt, Zuko turns around. "This is so undignified."

Katara bursts out laughing. "Rule number one in being part of the Avatar's crew – dignity is overrated."

The odd, guttural noise Zuko makes in response makes her laugh harder.

"All right, Sifu Hot Pants, let's see how you measure up," Toph says. She connects with his butt first try, probably because Zuko's the tallest of the bunch. He's radiating warmth, though Toph can't tell if it's because he's blushing from the tips of his toes to the roots of his hair or if that's just because he's a firebender. The curve is nice and defined, and she finds the size to be quite pleasing in proportion to the rest of him. Next she spreads her palms over his cheeks, lightly squeezing. Zuko barely muffles a yelp of surprise, and Toph snickers. The mass is good. Solid. "Clench," she commands.

"This is humiliating," Zuko mumbles, but does as he's told.

"Wow," Toph breathes because it turns out that Katara and Suki were absolutely right. Zuko's butt is a work of art. She briefly contemplates bending its likeness into the stone wall that abuts the courtyard as a testament to his amazing butt. "Sugar Queen, you've gotta feel this!"

"She does not!" Zuko yelps, his voice cracking.

"I don't think that's a good idea, Toph…" Katara says.

"Nope, you have to feel this," Toph says, one hand still firmly planted on Zuko's butt cheek. She reaches for Katara's hand and plants it on the other.

"Oh my," Katara squeaks out before her breath rushes out in a whoosh again Zuko's bare back.

The slap of flesh on flesh echoes in the small hallway as Zuko's hands fly to his face. Katara is touching his butt and he doesn't hate it. In fact quite the opposite. His pulse speeds up and images of other parts of him he'd like her to touch come to mind – no! No! Bad Zuko! He tries to calm his breathing and think of anything other than Katara's fingers lightly roving over the silk of his shorts. Uncle Iroh naked in a hot spring! Uncle Iroh naked in a hot spring!

The image has its desired effect of essentially splashing cold water on Zuko, and his pulse steadies. "Are you done yet?" he croaks.

"Oh!" Katara gasps, her hand pulling back from Zuko's butt as if she's been burned. And as far as she's concerned she has been.

Toph removes her hand at a more leisurely pace. "Yeah, Zuko's got the best butt."

Aang merely shrugs at this proclamation, but Sokka puffs his chest up and gets in Zuko's face. "Oh, it's on. It. Is. On."

Zuko blinks at him.

"Come on, Sokka, let's get you fed," Suki says as she loops her arm through his and guides him towards the kitchen.

Aang and Toph follow after, discussing what they have on hand and what can be thrown together quickly. This leaves Zuko and Katara in a darkened hallway, blushing furiously. Neither can meet the other's eye.

"So, um, sorry about that," Katara offers lamely. "You were never, ever supposed to know."

Zuko grunts.

"Let's…go get lunch. We'll probably feel better after we've eaten," Katara says.

Zuko falls into step behind her, all the while wondering exactly which unlucky star he was born under that this was his life.

 **Six Months Later**

"I haven't been to Ember Island in years," Iroh says as they walk through the house's halls.

Six months after the comet, the falls of Azula and Ozai, the establishment of peace, Team Avatar plus Iroh are on Ember Island for some much needed down time. The old house has a fresh coat of dust in places, but Katara and Suki quickly set to work getting it cleaned up again, all the while barking orders at everyone but Toph. Even Zuko's not spared.

With the vacation home actually feeling like a home and not some kind of dusty abandoned mansion, they head out to the courtyard to partake in some of Iroh's tea.

"It still needs some work, but it's coming along nicely," he says as they settle at a table that Sokka and Zuko set up. "Though that's new."

Everyone looks up at the rockface of the courtyard. Jaws drop.

"Why is Zuko's butt up there?" Iroh asks not expecting an answer.

The mortified Fire Lord is as red as his clothing.

"TOPH!"

* * *

Final butt/butts count: 40.

Not like I was keeping track...or anything...

*crickets chirp*

Moving on...


End file.
